Shiloh

Before you begin reading this post, please know that these are my raw feelings. If you don't want to know how I really am, then please don't read this post.

Three weeks ago God gave us a wonderful and surprising gift: a baby on the way! We were so excited as the new little one was supposed to arrive at the beginning of March and he or she would be the first grandbaby in March. We joyfully told family and friends of our news and basked in God's gift to us. I was feeling so good! A little nausea here and there but not much...I was ecstatic!

Monday I awoke to find there was a problem: I was bleeding. At first I thought, "Okay, a little spotting isn't too bad. The baby is going to be just fine." I silently prayed that the Lord would sustain our baby and the pregnancy to continue to full term.

As a precaution, I called my doctor and went to see her on Tuesday. The news wasn't great but it wasn't terrible either. She thought I just wasn't as far along as we first thought. So she had me do some blood tests and we went home. Ryan and I prayed fervently that God would allow us to maintain this pregnancy and hold this little one in a few months. The tests came back in what seemed like an eternity: they weren't reaffirming. In God's sovereign wisdom, He answered our prayers with a "No" answer. We were devastated but trusted our Lord and waited for the natural miscarriage process to begin...it never did.

We underwent another blood test and ultrasound. They were making sure that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. The results were inconclusive and they wanted to do a D&C to make sure that my life would not come into danger. Ryan and I spent the night trying not to think about the following morning and what it would bring.

I've endured many painful and awful things in my life. However, yesterday was the hardest day I've ever had to live through. Signing the consent form for the D&C was excruciating. I so desperately wanted to hold on to the hope that maybe the baby was going to live. We were told yet again, that the baby was already dead and that by doing this procedure we weren't killing our baby, but merely "helping" the natural process. I wept the entire time as they preformed this "simple" procedure. I could feel everything…I wanted to scream. I could feel as my baby was taken from me. Nothing on earth could have ever prepared me for such anguish.

Through it all, Ryan was my strength. He stayed with me constantly. He kept reassuring me that he loved me, the lost baby wasn't anything I did and nothing I could do would have saved the baby.

We decided to name the baby Shiloh. In the Bible it means "He who is to come". Ryan and I are still grieving over the loss of your little Shiloh. Yet we take comfort knowing Shiloh is in the perfect embrace of our Lord. We now anticipate seeing both Blessed Hope and Shiloh when we are joined with the Lord.

Thank you to all of you who knew and have been praying for us. The faithful prayers of the saints are always welcome and appreciated.