I have so many random thoughts going on in my head right now, please bear with me!
First I want to tell or remind you that God is so good! He is always faithful! He is continually showing me how His mercy is new every morning, His grace is all-sufficient and He is my true source of joy and happiness. He has given me such joy after being held captive by grief for so long!
New Thoughts - “My Thoughts of Late” post was filled with the raw emotions I was trying to process. Thank you for all your prayers and love! Since I wrote it, God has also given me a wonderful feeling of contentment with the three boys I have. I had made having more children an idol in my heart and life. God convicted me of my sin, and has forgiven me of it. I pray for His contentment on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. The Lord knows I’d still love to have more children, but instead of hanging all my happiness on that next little one, I’m giving that desire to Him and asking for His continuing contentment.
New Decade - Shortly before 2014 ended, I turned the big 3-0! Instead of feeling depressed about getting older though, I’ve decided that my thirties are going to be way better than my 20s! Lord willing, I won’t be super sick for most of the next ten years. Lord willing, I won’t break my back again in my 30s. By His grace alone, I will keep my eyes focused on Him.
New(ish) Year - When the New Year comes around, people talk about getting in shape by eating right and exercising more. I have a different goal this year: I want to be more diligent and disciplined to spend daily time studying God’s Word. This goal isn’t just for this year either; this is my life-long goal. I’m asking the Lord to help me focus on my heart and soul’s health, instead of my outward appearance. Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” If my spiritual heart is unhealthy, so am I.
By God's grace I will "lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and ... run with endurance the race that is set before (me)".
Showing posts with label Holly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holly. Show all posts
February 5, 2015
September 15, 2014
My Thoughts of Late
I read this quote on a friend's blog and thought I'd share it.
"What I need as a mother is grace. God’s grace, that allows me to fail and try again, that allows me to ask for help when I don’t have the wisdom or patience that I need, that reminds me we’re not alone in this, and that God loves my son(s) even more than I do.
And grace from other mothers. I need grace and truth-telling and camaraderie from other moms. I need us to tell the truth about how hard it is, and I need us to help each other, instead of hiding behind the pretense and pressure of perfection.
There are some moments these days, since the miscarriage, when I feel like a failure because my body isn't able to do what so many other women’s bodies can. I see them with their kids, a year apart, one after another. That will never be true for me and for our family...But what has healed me more than anything else are the stories of other women who have experienced similar things. I’ve needed grace, and I’ve needed women who share their sorrows with me, and allow me to share my own." ~ Shauna Niequist
I really needed to read this quote tonight. As I was praying with Caleb before bed tonight, I was pouring out my heart and tears to the Lord. He reminded me of His continual grace which He extends to me: His overwhelming, never-ending grace!
The last couple of months have been really hard for me. I've needed more of God's grace and strength as I've been battling against remaining in grief after losing another one of our precious children. We now have a total of 9 children: Evan, Blessed Hope, Noah, Shiloh, Olivia, Caleb, Edena, Levi and Ezra. It's amazing to think that I am the mother of many, though I won't get to hold all my children this side of heaven. My homecoming will be that much sweeter when I finally get to meet these little ones and praise our Savior for all eternity!
As mothers, we grow so weary under the pressure of appearing to be perfect: we need to cast off this false image and idol. Instead, let's bear each other's burdens and lift them up in prayer to our Lord and Maker.
Please let me know how I can be praying for you and the burdens of your heart.
"What I need as a mother is grace. God’s grace, that allows me to fail and try again, that allows me to ask for help when I don’t have the wisdom or patience that I need, that reminds me we’re not alone in this, and that God loves my son(s) even more than I do.
And grace from other mothers. I need grace and truth-telling and camaraderie from other moms. I need us to tell the truth about how hard it is, and I need us to help each other, instead of hiding behind the pretense and pressure of perfection.
There are some moments these days, since the miscarriage, when I feel like a failure because my body isn't able to do what so many other women’s bodies can. I see them with their kids, a year apart, one after another. That will never be true for me and for our family...But what has healed me more than anything else are the stories of other women who have experienced similar things. I’ve needed grace, and I’ve needed women who share their sorrows with me, and allow me to share my own." ~ Shauna Niequist
I really needed to read this quote tonight. As I was praying with Caleb before bed tonight, I was pouring out my heart and tears to the Lord. He reminded me of His continual grace which He extends to me: His overwhelming, never-ending grace!
The last couple of months have been really hard for me. I've needed more of God's grace and strength as I've been battling against remaining in grief after losing another one of our precious children. We now have a total of 9 children: Evan, Blessed Hope, Noah, Shiloh, Olivia, Caleb, Edena, Levi and Ezra. It's amazing to think that I am the mother of many, though I won't get to hold all my children this side of heaven. My homecoming will be that much sweeter when I finally get to meet these little ones and praise our Savior for all eternity!
As mothers, we grow so weary under the pressure of appearing to be perfect: we need to cast off this false image and idol. Instead, let's bear each other's burdens and lift them up in prayer to our Lord and Maker.
Please let me know how I can be praying for you and the burdens of your heart.
January 18, 2014
A Heavy Heart
This past week has been a hard one for me. I had a very dear friend lose her baby at 16 weeks. As a mama who has lost several babies, the all-too-familiar feelings hit hard. The next day, a different friend posted the following on her blog.
Today I got a phone call from a good friend of mine, telling me that at her 18 week appointment, she found out she lost her baby.
It is amazing how in just a few seconds and a few words, my heart can feel so incredibly heavy. There's a short moment of shock and then there's this wave of total sorrow and grief that hits like a huge brick wall came in full force with my body.
I have the immediate need to want to take the hurt away; to make it better, to say a magical word or share a quote that will mend her breaking heart.
Then God reminds me I can't. I shouldn't. Its His job. My job as her friend is to love her. To cry with her, to pray with her and for her. To just say "I'm sorry" and tell her how much I wish so badly it didn't happen.
To remind her of God's promises and to encourage her to cling to them as her mind will fill with enough sadness, self doubt, anxiety and hurt than she could ever imagine.
There are little glimpses of joy that flood my mind in these moments too. Realizing my babies are meeting someone new and we have one more person in Heaven to look forward to meeting someday. As a parent, one of the most comforting things for me to realize during my miscarriages was that though I didn't get the joy of spending years with my babies here, they got to skip this earthly journey and go straight to be with Jesus. As selfishly as I want t cling to the dream of having them in my arms,
I know they're safest and happiest in His.
But oh, how I remember the way this tears at a Mama's soul!
I have to be honest here and say, though I don't want to take away from what my friend is going through, when I walked in the office to tell Jason the news, I hugged him and sobbed and confessed to him that I hate reliving our losses. I hate it. The moment the thoughts come flooding back, I wish so badly I could wake up from the bad dream and say it never happened. Its amazing to me that 2 years later, the pain can feel so fresh. We busy ourselves and suppress it with the daily grind of life, but those babies never become "old news" or "oh yeah. remember when that happened?" Sometimes I see a pregnant lady I don't even know and some of those feelings and memories come right to the forefront of my mind.
I not only remember the dates we lost our babies, I can tell you what day of the week each one was.
But I'm trying to remind myself to be thankful for the times I remember, because if we didn't have those times, they memories might become very distant. And I always want to remember my babies in special ways, as best as I can.
I'm glad God has given us these emotions, as hard as they might be. I'm glad He gave us the emotion of pure ecstatic joy and the emotion of the deepest sorrow we'll know this side of Heaven. As I hung up with my friend I found myself hopeful. Hopeful because I am confident the Lord is going to teach her so much through this. I know He is. I know she will grow in His grace and I know He has so much to teach her about who He is, what He has felt as a Father who gave up His only Son, and ways that she will find comfort, hope, peace, joy, contentment and rest in Him like she never has before.
I love that God uses trials do that to us. He purposes for us to cling to Him, not run. He uses trials to teach us when we are most ready to be taught. When we realize how empty and vulnerable we are, left to ourselves.
In these sad moments, my heart wants Heaven. So I know as much as I hate them, these moments are good for us. We stop and remember this isn't home.
Please pray for my friend when you read this. Please pray for her husband and their son.
Pray for God's loving, tender presence to fill their home as they go through this process of grieving for their baby and mourning its death.
As they find things out like gender and possibly what issues were there, please pray for that to help with closure - even though with miscarriage closure never really seems possible.
Pray for their marriage, as they walk a path they've never been down.
Pray for strength for her husband to come alongside her and help her lean on Jesus.
Pray that he will have friends come alongside him that will encourage him, mourn with him and pray with him.
Husbands grieve in ways we don't give them credit for. A lot of times it makes me sad how they're almost ignored during times like these. They weren't pregnant, that's true. But they were attached to and loving that baby the day they found out their wife was expecting. The baby is half of us and half of our husbands. Its good to remember they deal with all these things too, it just often looks different on them.
Pray that the response from family and friends would be a huge source of encouragement for them. That they will be overwhelmed with God's love and care for them as they see it manifested through others.
Thank you Stef for summing up all the feelings and jumbled thoughts I've been wanting to convey.
As Stef asked for prayer for her friend, please keep my friend, her husband, and their young son in your prayers as well.
Today I got a phone call from a good friend of mine, telling me that at her 18 week appointment, she found out she lost her baby.
It is amazing how in just a few seconds and a few words, my heart can feel so incredibly heavy. There's a short moment of shock and then there's this wave of total sorrow and grief that hits like a huge brick wall came in full force with my body.
I have the immediate need to want to take the hurt away; to make it better, to say a magical word or share a quote that will mend her breaking heart.
Then God reminds me I can't. I shouldn't. Its His job. My job as her friend is to love her. To cry with her, to pray with her and for her. To just say "I'm sorry" and tell her how much I wish so badly it didn't happen.
To remind her of God's promises and to encourage her to cling to them as her mind will fill with enough sadness, self doubt, anxiety and hurt than she could ever imagine.
There are little glimpses of joy that flood my mind in these moments too. Realizing my babies are meeting someone new and we have one more person in Heaven to look forward to meeting someday. As a parent, one of the most comforting things for me to realize during my miscarriages was that though I didn't get the joy of spending years with my babies here, they got to skip this earthly journey and go straight to be with Jesus. As selfishly as I want t cling to the dream of having them in my arms,
I know they're safest and happiest in His.
But oh, how I remember the way this tears at a Mama's soul!
I have to be honest here and say, though I don't want to take away from what my friend is going through, when I walked in the office to tell Jason the news, I hugged him and sobbed and confessed to him that I hate reliving our losses. I hate it. The moment the thoughts come flooding back, I wish so badly I could wake up from the bad dream and say it never happened. Its amazing to me that 2 years later, the pain can feel so fresh. We busy ourselves and suppress it with the daily grind of life, but those babies never become "old news" or "oh yeah. remember when that happened?" Sometimes I see a pregnant lady I don't even know and some of those feelings and memories come right to the forefront of my mind.
I not only remember the dates we lost our babies, I can tell you what day of the week each one was.
But I'm trying to remind myself to be thankful for the times I remember, because if we didn't have those times, they memories might become very distant. And I always want to remember my babies in special ways, as best as I can.
I'm glad God has given us these emotions, as hard as they might be. I'm glad He gave us the emotion of pure ecstatic joy and the emotion of the deepest sorrow we'll know this side of Heaven. As I hung up with my friend I found myself hopeful. Hopeful because I am confident the Lord is going to teach her so much through this. I know He is. I know she will grow in His grace and I know He has so much to teach her about who He is, what He has felt as a Father who gave up His only Son, and ways that she will find comfort, hope, peace, joy, contentment and rest in Him like she never has before.
I love that God uses trials do that to us. He purposes for us to cling to Him, not run. He uses trials to teach us when we are most ready to be taught. When we realize how empty and vulnerable we are, left to ourselves.
In these sad moments, my heart wants Heaven. So I know as much as I hate them, these moments are good for us. We stop and remember this isn't home.
Please pray for my friend when you read this. Please pray for her husband and their son.
Pray for God's loving, tender presence to fill their home as they go through this process of grieving for their baby and mourning its death.
As they find things out like gender and possibly what issues were there, please pray for that to help with closure - even though with miscarriage closure never really seems possible.
Pray for their marriage, as they walk a path they've never been down.
Pray for strength for her husband to come alongside her and help her lean on Jesus.
Pray that he will have friends come alongside him that will encourage him, mourn with him and pray with him.
Husbands grieve in ways we don't give them credit for. A lot of times it makes me sad how they're almost ignored during times like these. They weren't pregnant, that's true. But they were attached to and loving that baby the day they found out their wife was expecting. The baby is half of us and half of our husbands. Its good to remember they deal with all these things too, it just often looks different on them.
Pray that the response from family and friends would be a huge source of encouragement for them. That they will be overwhelmed with God's love and care for them as they see it manifested through others.
Thank you Stef for summing up all the feelings and jumbled thoughts I've been wanting to convey.
As Stef asked for prayer for her friend, please keep my friend, her husband, and their young son in your prayers as well.
July 5, 2013
For Edena
We found out about a month ago, that we were expecting a new little one! We were planning on telling everyone after we had our 7 week sonogram, just to make sure everything was okay. Well, on Tuesday, we couldn't find the baby on the sonogram. We thought I might not be as far along as we thought and had plans to repeat the sonogram in a couple of weeks.
On Tuesday night, I was getting ready for bed and was suddenly hit with extreme pain. I thought it might be a gluten contamination issue, but it was way worse than anything before. I "just knew" something was wrong and I had Ryan take me into the ER.
After being there for hours of observation, getting pain meds (with no relief) and having another sonogram that still couldn't see the baby, I was admitted into the hospital. As the early hours of the morning passed, we waited to see the OB doc.
During our waiting time, the pain was getting worse and I no longer could lay down without going into a panic attack and feeling like I couldn't breath. When the OB doc witnessed this, he decided that we couldn't wait any longer and that I needed to go into surgery immediately. Come to find out, I was internally hemorrhaging from a rupturing ectopic pregnancy.
As the Lord planned, on Wednesday morning, we said goodbye to our little one, Edena, as her Maker called her back to Himself.
As you know, I'm still grieving the loss of our little Edena, but I have the hope that one day, I will get to hold her, along with her siblings, Shiloh and Blessed Hope. Until that day comes, I get to look at my three wonderful little boys God has given me here on earth, and I am overwhelmingly blessed and grateful.
I share this with you, not to gain your sympathy, but to ask you to pray for spiritual and emotional healing. My body heals quickly, but my heart does not. Pray that in my grief and weakness, God will be glorified and I will rest in His strength and comfort.
May 19, 2013
Speechless
So this is what happens with Dollar Store toys and most of us getting better after the flu.
April 1, 2013
February 28, 2013
Day Twenty-eight of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty-eight of loving notes on Ryan.
On this last day of February, I want to just say that I love you, Ryan, with all my heart. In the last twenty-seven days, I've shared twenty-seven amazing qualities you possess. I know there are days that I take you for granted and am ungrateful for all that you do: I'm sorry for that. Please forgive me. God blessed me greatly when he gave you to me. I know we've had our share of disagreements and trials in the last few years, but we've also had countless triumphs and joys. I wouldn't want to be married to anyone but you!
Thank you for being you.
I love you now and forever!
On this last day of February, I want to just say that I love you, Ryan, with all my heart. In the last twenty-seven days, I've shared twenty-seven amazing qualities you possess. I know there are days that I take you for granted and am ungrateful for all that you do: I'm sorry for that. Please forgive me. God blessed me greatly when he gave you to me. I know we've had our share of disagreements and trials in the last few years, but we've also had countless triumphs and joys. I wouldn't want to be married to anyone but you!
Thank you for being you.
I love you now and forever!
February 27, 2013
Day Twenty-seven of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty-seven of loving notes on Ryan.
I love how tech savvy you are! You always help me with coding things for the blog and teach me of "new" features in MS-Word that I wish I'd known before.
Thank you for all your help and guidance when it comes to the computer. Through your teaching, things go a lot faster for me!
I love you now and forever.
I love how tech savvy you are! You always help me with coding things for the blog and teach me of "new" features in MS-Word that I wish I'd known before.
Thank you for all your help and guidance when it comes to the computer. Through your teaching, things go a lot faster for me!
I love you now and forever.
February 26, 2013
Day Twenty-six of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty-six of loving notes on Ryan.
I love your hypochondria. You always think you have something "wrong" with you and have this worrisome expression. Then, when I tell you you're fine and nothing's wrong, your "relief face" is priceless!
Thank you for always coming to me for medical advice and affirmation that you are just fine!
I love you now and forever.
I love your hypochondria. You always think you have something "wrong" with you and have this worrisome expression. Then, when I tell you you're fine and nothing's wrong, your "relief face" is priceless!
Thank you for always coming to me for medical advice and affirmation that you are just fine!
I love you now and forever.
February 25, 2013
Day Twenty-five of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty-five of loving notes on Ryan.
I love how excited you get when we go for a drive and count all the deer. You're so cute trying to make sure both the older boys see each deer.
Thank you for your enthusiasm while creating so many fun memories for the boys and me.
I love you now and forever.
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I love how excited you get when we go for a drive and count all the deer. You're so cute trying to make sure both the older boys see each deer.
Thank you for your enthusiasm while creating so many fun memories for the boys and me.
I love you now and forever.
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February 24, 2013
Day Twenty-four of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty-four of loving notes on Ryan.
I love your role as the spiritual head of our family. You take your role very seriously, which is exactly how God wants you to be. I love that I can read something in the Bible or hear something and come talk to you about it. I've learned many many things through you in the past few years.
Thank you for being my spiritual head. Thank you for pointing me to the Lord and helping me to apply His Word in my life.
I love you now and forever.
I love your role as the spiritual head of our family. You take your role very seriously, which is exactly how God wants you to be. I love that I can read something in the Bible or hear something and come talk to you about it. I've learned many many things through you in the past few years.
Thank you for being my spiritual head. Thank you for pointing me to the Lord and helping me to apply His Word in my life.
I love you now and forever.
February 23, 2013
Day Twenty-three of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty-three of loving notes on Ryan.
I love your little-kid side. You can find something funny in almost any situation. You never fail to laugh, even er...especially at yourself.
Thank you for teaching me that you can be an adult and still have fun like a little kid.
I love you now and forever.
I love your little-kid side. You can find something funny in almost any situation. You never fail to laugh, even er...especially at yourself.
Thank you for teaching me that you can be an adult and still have fun like a little kid.
I love you now and forever.
February 22, 2013
Day Twenty-two of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty-two of loving notes on Ryan.
I love your willingness to change. Sometimes it's overnight...sometimes it's over years. Like with cutting off your ponytail: you weren't ready to change until you started the job with Enwisen. Within a week, you went from not wanting to cut it EVER...to loving the fact that it was gone and you didn't have to spend so much time on it! You've changed over the years in such good ways. I could list several, but one that I am on a daily basis grateful for: you doing the dishes!
Thank you for being willing to change: I get to be the very blessed recipient!
I love you now and forever.
I love your willingness to change. Sometimes it's overnight...sometimes it's over years. Like with cutting off your ponytail: you weren't ready to change until you started the job with Enwisen. Within a week, you went from not wanting to cut it EVER...to loving the fact that it was gone and you didn't have to spend so much time on it! You've changed over the years in such good ways. I could list several, but one that I am on a daily basis grateful for: you doing the dishes!
Thank you for being willing to change: I get to be the very blessed recipient!
I love you now and forever.
February 21, 2013
Day Twenty-one of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty-one of loving notes on Ryan.
I love that you always call or Skype me when you're away on business.
Thank you for making time for us even when you're thousands of miles away.
I love you now and forever.
I love that you always call or Skype me when you're away on business.
Thank you for making time for us even when you're thousands of miles away.
I love you now and forever.
February 20, 2013
Day Twenty of February: the Month of Love
Day twenty of loving notes on Ryan.
I love how you never fail telling me you love me, that I'm beautiful, and very sexy to you.
Thank you for loving curvy me. Thank you for reminding me that I am made in God's image.
I love you now and forever.
I love how you never fail telling me you love me, that I'm beautiful, and very sexy to you.
Thank you for loving curvy me. Thank you for reminding me that I am made in God's image.
I love you now and forever.
February 19, 2013
Day Nineteen of February: the Month of Love
Day nineteen of loving notes on Ryan.
I love your (sometimes) expanding culinary tastes. I think it's so fun that you now like zucchini, asparagus, fresh green beans, baked sweet potatoes, hamburger gravy, and salad! I look forward to introducing you to more delightful dishes!
Thank you for letting me fix you foods you didn't like and for always at least trying new foods!
I love you now and forever.
I love your (sometimes) expanding culinary tastes. I think it's so fun that you now like zucchini, asparagus, fresh green beans, baked sweet potatoes, hamburger gravy, and salad! I look forward to introducing you to more delightful dishes!
Thank you for letting me fix you foods you didn't like and for always at least trying new foods!
I love you now and forever.
February 18, 2013
Day Eighteen of February: the Month of Love
Day eighteen of loving notes on Ryan.
I love your gentle rebukes and correction. I know I usually don't immediately show it, but I do take to heart what you are telling me. I know I'm slow on the applying part, but you are always patient and willing to talk it through when I'm not mad.
Thank you for loving me enough to correct me when I am wrong.
I love you now and forever.
I love your gentle rebukes and correction. I know I usually don't immediately show it, but I do take to heart what you are telling me. I know I'm slow on the applying part, but you are always patient and willing to talk it through when I'm not mad.
Thank you for loving me enough to correct me when I am wrong.
I love you now and forever.
February 17, 2013
Day Seventeen of February: the Month of Love
Day seventeen of loving notes on Ryan.
I love how even-tempered you are. You always complement my "passion" on a topic/issue with calm words, grace, and logic.
Thank you for being the perfect man for me. Thank you for being the calming influence I need from time to time.
I love you now and forever.
I love how even-tempered you are. You always complement my "passion" on a topic/issue with calm words, grace, and logic.
Thank you for being the perfect man for me. Thank you for being the calming influence I need from time to time.
I love you now and forever.
February 16, 2013
Day Sixteen of February: the Month of Love
Day sixteen of loving notes on Ryan.
I love your smile! It lights up your beautiful eyes and makes me smile at you in return!
Thank you for always smiling, even in the trials.
I love you now and forever.
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I love your smile! It lights up your beautiful eyes and makes me smile at you in return!
Thank you for always smiling, even in the trials.
I love you now and forever.
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